The almighty dollar babe

I'm currently struggling in keeping up with personal obligations.

These obligations come in the form of engagements, weddings, anniversaries, baby showers, births, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, those having difficulties at conceiving and going IVF, those who get their eggs frozen (bleah!) those who bought their first home and throwing housewarmings, former lovers standing up now and announcing what everyone always knew anyway, ie. that they're in a relationship. Does Hallmark do a card for that???

All these things require a gift of some sort and a gift that needs to be wrapped in addition to providing an accompanying card with something meaningful phrase written on it. I'm so tired of this, I am tired of wasting time wondering if silver or gold wrapping paper would be more appropriate… and I am running out of inspiration. This is a complete waste of time and money.

I just wanna be the almighty dollar babe. "You're engaged? Here's 50 bucks-. Have a drink on me." "Oh - so you are having a party at your new house- Here's a bottle of tequila and a pack of condoms. You guys knock yourselves out. “ A new born??? How cute- Here is a 30 bucks Duane Reade Card- It will come at hand when you need diapers ." A gay wedding? Here's a year-long supply of shiraz...hopefully you'll be too drunk to fill out the adoption forms...

I gotta go now. Need to help a friend fix the apartment she just bought. Since she is a good friend I will not give her money but the gift will be a brand new blender that I bought for me 6 months ago and never used and a bottle of Italian balsamic vinegar. She knew what I was gonna get her and she asked “Will you do a nice gift package?- “No babe, I love you deeply but that ain’t happening anymore” I replied.