Did I miss anything?

Few days ago I got this email.

Dear F.

Unfortunately I didn't make it to the induction today. Did I miss anything?
Love,
Kirsten

My response:

Dear Kirsten,

First of all, I want you to know I love you too. I always have and I am relieved to know you feel the same way.

As for induction, you missed a keg party and a strip poker. Then you missed a spirited, joyous gang bang with a band of convicts escaped from cell block E of the local penitentiary. (The federal one, so you know they were quality, indeed).

You also missed important instructions on key documents to read, standard operating procedures and templates in order not to fail on your job, you dumb ass, but I'm sure you'll get by. How you'll get over missing the drunken card game and the gang bang, I don't know.

But I am here for you.

Love always,
F. (bitchy induction Focal Point)