Bah!

If I continue to neglect my blog, I will be accused of blog abandonment but have really no time to write as am going through a transitional thing…

What is this transitional thing?

1) I moved to a new pace.

2) I did not take the I-am-so-important-job I was planning to take

3) I cut off all contact with my good friend X. I am kind of sad about that….kind of ((I hope she is sad too)).

Items one and two - have had a powerful stress lowering effect on me. This is excellent. However, the powerful stress lowering effect has produced indifference to the falling out between me and my friend. I am not registering that beyond the general acceptance of the fact. I find myself unable to respond with the appropriate levels of sadness I wish I had. A possible explanation for my inappropriate emotional response to this news is that she cut me off first so in the end is not my fault, so I don't care.

Does it make sense?

Last four years have provided me with excellent training with regard to being warned that there are many things we can't control and therefore we need to accept and move on. I might have learned not to work problems that I don't have the means to solve….

Anyway, I am re-calibrating my brain in response to dramatically lowered stress levels and dramatically unwelcome news that I can't seem to be very sad about something I should be very sad.

Thank you for reading

Ethiopia on my mind

The green lowlands, Kebri Dahar and Jijiga, erratic politicians-a difficult Government. The Somali region, so close but not accessible and so insecure. Sleeping at Livestock Research Institute because the UN compound was full already, communicating to local drivers who know everything except for the little of obstacle of not having a common language. Meskel Square and Haile Sellassie Palace. Driving the way trough Bole Road till Winston Churchill Avenue. A field spirit of friendship and comradery above all organisational boundaries. The true meaning of protection, the humanitarian imperative, the real UN philosophy, the real politick. The usual divide between field and Headquarters. IDPs first shouting at you when arriving from war-zones - desperate to get some assistance, in the end hugging you and thanking you for the work done. Injera, IAB and lamb stews, with loads of teas and coffee. Shaping a response for people in need and the knowledge to contribute to alleviation of civilian suffering. An in all of this, sleepless nights, the consideration that I am not the center of the Universe and yes some else can do all of that and will be good at that.

"I came with a smile, I left with a smile and an open heart"

All of this is there, in my mind.

How about a post of a different kind???

There is no way a person can move over in two days period, pack ..move..unpack..repack…. and then also work one job and on one hobby that was supposed to be a hobby and almost became a job (next time I say I like teaching and all that capacity building crap shoot me right there…) and be emotionally supportive yet not demanding - and then attending friend’s medical emergencies while figuring out while of all people in New-York a motherfucker had to chose MY credit card to buy stuff in Atlanta and deplete my credit the day before I am leaving for a trip to Africa with an itinerary that has changed like 100 times.

And yet this is what I have been doing and I have been pretty good at it, most importantly I was resilient and silent. Too busy to fix my sh*t to look around and bother people. However, in all this stress …fatigue…dealing with people’s emotions and Bank’s issues I was mesmerized by the large number of people (acquaintances/friends/family members/random people in the elevator/my doorman/cab driver) who had all something to say…and unsolicited advise to give…..a statement to make just for the sake of …

I know it all comes from a good place.

However,



How about??????









Yes - how about that people???

Having said all that, I apologize to the people I have let down in the last few weeks. My blog has not been fun to read and I owe other obligations to people I shall not name - you know who you are... aI'll be my old self again someday. Try November, maybe.

Godo night dear people.

Reflections on my NOT running (and lack of suitable clothing)

I thought I was doing ok with the 3 miles running thing. I thought that I was cool. I thought I was tough….but then last night I got a text message from M. and on her 5 miles every other day and her 5Ks marathon in Central Park. All of a sudden I remembered how I was lagging behind during our run together. Initially, I thought it was because of her long Swedish legs but then all of a sudden I had an epiphany………. who am I kidding, exactly?

I- am- not- in- any- kind- of- shape- for- a- 5K- run. …Not-at-all.

Notwithstanding this I will go running with her and the girls..…If I don’t make it I can blame my butt for being so big. If the rest of the girls don't make it, they won't have the same excuse because those bitches eehmmh girls don't weigh more than 100 pound apiece.

Anyway, my reflection is that I totally lack the gene that causes jealousy and competitiveness. If I were a different person I would feel like I needed to also run 5 miles every other day and get out of bed at an unspeakable hour to roll over to Central Park on Sunday mornings for the 5Ks. But since I lack the drive to measure up (or down) I am sitting on a self-satisfied big butt engaging in caffeine and pasta related food crimes. And I am pretty much happy with that.

On a different note, I am going to the Opera tomorrow night and I swear to Jah that I have nothing appropriate to wear….but decided that I CANNOT buy the dress for that.

HAve a good week end, dear people. I'll try to come up with something meanigful soon.

What would you never do?

What would you never do a few weeks before being posted to a third world country that looks like this?








and this





and this







Probably, you would not buy this
















But then you would not be going to the concert of Cesaria Evora tonight.







I could not dress like any other night to honor the Barefoot Diva.

Uninteresting, certainly

Just to make sure that I maintain the standard of bitching and ill-tempered posts you have all come to expect let me tell ya that I have my year-end review today and I am not feeling it. I am not in the mood to evaluate my performance, discuss it with my boss achievements and all that jazz. I am not in the mood to add value or partner for excellence, create synergies, maximize results and upholding principles or raise awareness or conduct a SWOT analysis.

I am not in the mood to sit in my office and write. BTW… how on earth did I end up in a job where all that I do is write-write-write when I always let me stress ALWAYS hated writing. I never kept a secret diary as a child as could not bother writing…

Here is what I am in the mood for:

- Eating
- Putting my feet on the table
- Reading
- Chatting with my friends on the phone

If there were a job that involved these four activities, I’d be the fucking CEO.

However, I am wondering if I will be crying at my farewell party.

The polls are open babydolls.

Victory

Today, I fought the power....

...I stood up against the evil empire of nonsense and made a BIG STINK about something I believed was not quite right.

....and I won.

...sometimes it's worth being a total pain in the ass...

...As a result, I am now on several people's shitlists but victory feels good...

Can you hear it ring? It's such a beautiful thing....the happiness that brings..makes you wanna sing...

Je t’aime mi amoré menebêff fie Ene le arabylyla to much

Wanna know how I feel today?

Here I am






I know I am a moaning b%$#@ch...this is me blogging in REAL TIME babydolls, Forgive me, I'm in a funk.

Maybe I should have a crystallized ginger candy. CGC always makes me feel better.)

How’s everyone else doing?

I haven't been back in action for a while. Not that I don't have things to bitch and moan about that is that I am overwhelmed with work (wazz new right?).

Is that time of the year again....crunch time with the beginning of the General-Assembly, the preparation of the Annual Reports, preparation of 2009 Costplan/Workplans and the strategic visions for the year to come.....Normally I have no clue on what I'm gonna do the week end but I am quite good at work-related strategic visions for the years to come. So...I thought I would apply my skills to conduct a review of this year in number. Basically I am going to tally the shit up: this way I shall review areas that need urgent action to improve the performance.

Professional life:

Number of times you cursed your job: 730
Number of times you said how much you loved your job: 730
Number of viable ideas generated about a different career: 1

Comment: Action has been taken to address the situation....process on going. Self has been quite proactive about it.

Personal growth:

Number of new countries visited: 1
Number of workshops attended to improve management skills: 2
Number of blogs you created: 1
Number of people who actually read your blog: 4
Number of times you got busted for the smack written on your blog: 1

Comment: Self, blog is a time consuming exercise. It does not teach you anything. Furthermore it is not sustainable since you will be moving to a part of the World where blogs are blocked and freedom of expression is an empty concept. Suggest you close the blog asap and take up Amharic class instead. THAT will come at hand.

Family life:

Number of points needed to become a Good Child: 3,777 (depending on performance of the incumbent)
Number of efforts made to overthrow the Good Child: 2 (generous estimate)

Finances:

Number of financial planning books you have read: 0
Number of hours you spent contemplating aforementioned books: 20
Number of times you said, “Fuck that!” and left with People magazine instead of aforementioned books: 20

Romantic life:

Number of ex-boyfriend visitations: 1
Number of bad ideas generated: various
Number of hours beloved friends, including your chiropractor, spent coaching you about the above: 1,300
Number of times you actually listened: 0

Goals and Aspirations:

Number of times you fantasized about doing something different with your life: 1,786,327
Number of times you actually did something about these fantasies: 0
Number of times you contemplated becoming a Chef: 18
Number of times you were crippled with self-doubt when contemplating the idea of taking cooking classes: 18

________________________________
Conclusion: Overall, in reviewing your statistics I must say that I am a little concerned. Self, I think you know it but you are in denial. You think it’s all going to get better by itself, but Self, we both know that most of the time, you turn a blind eye saying "you are too busy" but you are just a lazy b*@ch. . If I don’t see an improvement over the next quarter, I will be forced to put you on a monitored performance plan and limit your access to internet.

Yours truly,
Strategic self

PS Too lazy to put a pic today.

Obelix, Astrix and the ICC

I have started reading Ethiopian news. The major events of last week include:
The great Obelisk of Axum returned home this week. Okay…not really this week. It was unveiled this week but it been back home for a while already…..about 3 years to tell the truth ! Come on people, it’s African time, “now” means anything between within the next two hours and two decades. I am happy that the Axum Obelisk is back. Now if we can only find the great Astrix of Governance somewhere…


Meles Zenawi gave an interview to LA Times on Bashir’s diplomatic offensive against the International Criminal Court saying that “Concern for justice should not trump concern for peace”.

How convenient. I think he ponders his own fate..

Let’s see what I can pick up from the coming week.

PS Hope the GoE does not read my blog ir I will be png’ed before getting there…that in my world would make me a sort of hero.

Ramadam Kareem

With the sighting of the moon on Monday evening, Ramadan started in Somalia as well as in the rest of the world (except India where it started on Tuesday 2nd September I was told).

"When the month of Ramadan starts, the gates of the Kingdom of Heaven are opened. The gates of Hell are closed and the devils are chained up in Hell” explained my colleague.

“I like that “I said "Did the local imam announce the exact moment he saw the moon to announce that Ramadan had started? "-No-he replied: but Hormuud [a Somali mobile phone company] sent a text message at midnight saying that Ramadan has started".

Yeap….we are in a new age. The start of Ramadan is no longer announced by the local imam, but by the local mobile phone company....

May the Almighty grant us the blessings in this month and make it a month of peace, patience and spiritual growth. Amen.

Panic strikes again

The latest work crisis:

The S file is missing.

Where is the S file?

Where did it go?

Nobody can't find the S file…

This will plunge a whole division in the darkness of nebulous space oddity.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Will be back in action when the S file is back. In the meantime, a little random internet poetry to bring back some gorgeousness.

(Hope they find the damned S file and everyone fr$@%#king CHILLA.)

I Want To Go With The One I Love

I want to go with the one I love.
I do not want to calculate the cost.
I do not want to think about whether it's good.
I do not want to know whether he loves me.
I want to go with whom I love.

Bertolt Brecht

Color quiz

Because the world is cruel, Gods are against me, summer is coming to an end....better take a color quiz to cheer me up and discover..what!!!!!!!!!!!WTF?!?!?!?

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Gold fever

In a bid to distract myself and reach out to a topic that normal people talk about in casual conversations I decided to have a peek at the Olympics games. After watching the women’s gymnastics a few days ago, I almost needed sedation. All those little tiny girls with sparklying and utterly inappropriate make up looking so defiant yet fragile and young!! All those creepy coaches who say “THERE IS ONLY ONE COLOR FOR OUR TEAM: GOLD. Right there and then I freaked out…I started thinking what the faith of a looser would be. Would she be hauled off to a prison camp or in front of a firing squad or condemned to forced labor for the rest of her life.

There was something deeply joyless about those tiny little girls and something really wrong about the rhetoric of the competition. I felt I wanted to take all of them up, put them in my pocket, and take them away. We would go somewhere nice, where they could play....have a pizza ….and a strawberry milkshake. After that we would have a pyjama party during which we will review the principles of age-appropriate make-up application.

Remembering

Today marks the fifth year of the truck bomb attack against the United Nations office in Baghdad which took the lives of 22 people, including the United Nations envoy in Iraq, Sergio Vieira de Mello, and wounded more than 150.

Professor Samantha Power of Harvard University writes on the NY Time today that, five years after the UN compound in Baghdad was bombed — and less than a week after Taliban forces in Afghanistan killed three female educators and a driver with the International Rescue Committee — the individuals who carry out vital humanitarian and development work for the United Nations and nongovernmental organizations have never been more at risk. When the host country ignores requests for high-level security assistance, as Algeria did last year, the United Nations should be prepared to suspend its programs or to withdraw altogether.

Meanwhile Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir, is currently on his first trip abroad since the International Criminal Court moved to indict him for war crimes. He has denied that his forces had committed genocide in Darfur and Sudan has warned the United Nations of "serious consequences" for its staff and facilities if an arrest warrant is issued. So far, these threats have resulted in a reduction of Military and Police personnel in Darfur while the ceilings for aid workers have not been touched. I hope I am proved wrong but shit ain't gonna stop anytime soon I am afraid.

Office gossips

What do you do on a rainy day while having lunch in the office with the girls??? Gossips of course...and yesterday we ended up having an hilarious conversation comparing some of the better stories we had to listen (and unfortunately, had to believe) for not receiving that eagerly awaited phone call or visit from our men while working in the field ...(and for reference.... we are no Amish people...just aid workers):-)

"Sorry, but my hut was flooded and the satellite phone died."

"I can't get there today, the UN planes are undergoing the regular maintenance."

“I think I am developing malaria.”

"I can't drive back to the Capital today, the river is too high to cross and the car got stuck in the mud when we tried yesterday."

"There are rebels attacking our town, we can’t move out of the UN compound."

"There's a 24-hr curfew in the city because of the riots."

"I'll come see you next week. I've just got to finish the food distribution to 50,000 refugees first."

And finally, my favorite:

“The cease-fire has been breached we expect major population movement-We've got to be here!!”

I think we can safely assume that from the mountains of Armenia to the lowlands of Zimbabwe via the desertic areas of Chad romance and ass-*holing are alive and kicking.

When history repeats itself

For those working in the humanitarian field the events of last week gave good opportunity for sarcasm and the realization that yet again unresolved and tense political situations can quickly develop into a war, whose casualties are, like usual, innocent civilians. Methods of warfare are still the same used in the old good days: bombing, tanks etc - the only difference is, that all parties to the conflict have websites….

The conflict in South-Ossetia once again shows the paralysis of the UN Security Council, since its very composition hinders every prospect for a joint statement regarding the situation in the Caucasus. Washington and London are on the side of Georgia, but they are cautious not to overtly confront the Russians because they need Russia in the crisis regarding Iran. France tries to mediate – with the emphasis on 'tries'. China has other concerns at the moment and Russia ignores everybody. On the positive sides, Russia and Georgia have agreed to open two humanitarian corridors in order to evacuate Georgian and Ossetian refugees and war wounded. Wow... its so refreshing sometime to see parties to a conflict agreeing to abide by IHL that when it happens you can hardly believe it.

In Mauritania, some sacked military officers took revenge. Last Coup in Mauritania took place in 2005 when the army, a backbone of every regime in Nouakchott, felt obliged to intervene to correct perceived political mistakes. On the positive side, here again, the coup leaders are trying to persuade the existing political parties to participate in the next presidential elections. So far, it appears that there are no humanitarian consequences to this change of regime. However, since things change quickly one never knows and next thing you know is that you are on an emergency mission. Reading trough the various statements made by UN, AU I could not help laughing at this one by Ruairi Patterson at Control Risks Group:

"Previous coups in Mauritania have been bloodless although this is against a democratically elected government... It may have more impact on the security environment than previous ones. In terms of economic policy, while it is too early to say anything definitive, I can't see it leading to a major reorientation. Foreign investment there is mainly oil and mining companies and a lot of them have seen this before. But it is disappointing and will not help sentiment towards Mauritania, which had been pretty positive up until around half way through last year.
"In terms of aid, it may imperil aid from foreign institutions at least in the short term. I can't see this going down very well with the European Union. It will depend in part on if and how quickly civilian power is restored. In terms of democratisation in the region it is disappointing but I can't see it making much difference in terms of sentiment towards other countries.
"There were rumours about two weeks ago that might be a coup in the offing. It was a bit of an open secret that two senior military commanders were fanning this split within the ruling party. In the last few days there had been rumours they had decided to pull back but the president's decision to dismiss two senior generals appears to have prompted the coup."

Good job, Ruairi, …did you have a late night out with your friends or were you just high…??.or maybe you have just been watching this world for too long as many of us and think it is the same old story all the times...

For those interested in working in the humanitarian field, I got a hint for you. Keep a watch on Ethiopia/Eritrea (unresolved border issue) and Eritrea and Djibouti (military build at the border).

When we fail to learn the lessons of history we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes...

Shit! I am late to see the falling star and make a wish for world peace..

Let humanity claim the gold

THE UN SECRETARY-GENERAL
--
MESSAGE CALLING FOR OBSERVANCE
OF THE OLYMPIC TRUCE
8 August 2008


The Olympic Games celebrate the human spirit. They bring together athletes from myriad backgrounds, all cultures and every nationality in a common endeavor to excel -- to run faster, reach further, and aim higher. But the true excellence of the Games rests in their ability to unite humanity around universal aspirations: equality, fair play, sportsmanship, tolerance and, above all, peace.

These values represent the driving force of the Olympic Movement, which employs the potential of sports to promote a culture of peace, prosperity and human dignity. These same ideals underpin the United Nations Charter and its aspirations to promote human welfare, safeguard human rights and enhance global understanding and cooperation. Taken together, the Olympic Movement and the United Nations constitute a gold medal team in the race to advance humanity’s most cherished ideals.

The most visible and immediate manifestation of teamwork between the UN and the Olympic Movement is the Olympic Truce, which calls for a worldwide cessation of all hostilities for the duration of the Games.

Though limited in duration, this Truce has unlimited potential. It can provide a pause in which to reconsider the heavy cost of war; an opening to initiate a dialogue, and a window to provide relief for suffering populations. It can demonstrate to the world that peace is possible in even the most seemingly intractable situations if we truly work towards it.

But the Olympic Truce is only meaningful in its observance. I join the International Olympic Committee and the United Nations General Assembly in calling on all those who are at war to observe this Truce. Let them lay down their weapons, if only temporarily, so that humanity can lay claim to gold even before the Games begin.
___________________________________________________________________________

Beautiful isn't it?. Even more beautiful would be to have someone actually listening to this and let us all have some respite. These days I am even afraid of taking a shower for the fear of missing a call or a blinking e-mail..

Happy Olympic games to all readers!
K.

Story of a frog

Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " My Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the young prince that I usued to be

~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~

That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fuckin think so.

Growing speed, Growing hostility

Dear NYC-runners Girls who weigh 85 Pounds and run 5 miles and still think it that ain't good enough:

Fuck OFF.

Love,
Me.

P.S. Is that mean?
P.P.S. Do you still like me?
P.P.P.S Because I really want you to like me and run with you next time.

Shortlist

Here what is on my mind:

1) The situation at work is untenable. I was reading the statistics and freaked out. Since the beginning of the year we have had 20 aid workers killed, 17 people abducted and 13 still held hostage in the country I normally refer to as “my country”. We are running short of ideas on what to do. Are we going to lock ourselves up in compounds and be cut off from the people we have to assist.? Are we going to say enough! Where and how do we set the benchmarks and decide we cannot afford anymore losses? …what is it going to happen if we leave?

2) I have about 9000 things to do before I leave on this trip. It’s good I decided not to leave my apartment…I could not afford being in the middle of a move right now…..I wrote to P. I hope to see her while in London but there are good chances that she will not be interested in seeing an old friend now that she has a “new life”…shall I delete her email and memory while wishing her my very best for the future.?

3) Nina's father is dead.. She is sad and I am heart broken for her. I was on the brink of tears when I got the news. By now you would think I am good friend with her....Actually I have never seen/spoken to here and she does not even know I exist although I live one block away from her. I just read here blog everyday. I will probably leave her an anonymous message...

4) A. is leaving NY tomorrow. I am sad for that too.. God only knows when we are going to meet again.

5) By Friday I will need to tell my boss I am turning down the promotion because I just wanna get the f*ck out... I am still thinking of a diplomatic way to say that ...suggestions are welcome...

How am I dealing with all this? How might I be coping?

Well, I'll tell you. I spent the week end watching season 2 of Weeds. I am making good progress on season 3.
Today I tortured my colleague DDC....I made him believe that I have not taken a decision and YES I may well decide to accept the offer (muahahahahah!). I have also been mean to K. and haven't returned his call.

I gotta go. Compelling shit going on here.

The almighty dollar babe

I'm currently struggling in keeping up with personal obligations.

These obligations come in the form of engagements, weddings, anniversaries, baby showers, births, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, those having difficulties at conceiving and going IVF, those who get their eggs frozen (bleah!) those who bought their first home and throwing housewarmings, former lovers standing up now and announcing what everyone always knew anyway, ie. that they're in a relationship. Does Hallmark do a card for that???

All these things require a gift of some sort and a gift that needs to be wrapped in addition to providing an accompanying card with something meaningful phrase written on it. I'm so tired of this, I am tired of wasting time wondering if silver or gold wrapping paper would be more appropriate… and I am running out of inspiration. This is a complete waste of time and money.

I just wanna be the almighty dollar babe. "You're engaged? Here's 50 bucks-. Have a drink on me." "Oh - so you are having a party at your new house- Here's a bottle of tequila and a pack of condoms. You guys knock yourselves out. “ A new born??? How cute- Here is a 30 bucks Duane Reade Card- It will come at hand when you need diapers ." A gay wedding? Here's a year-long supply of shiraz...hopefully you'll be too drunk to fill out the adoption forms...

I gotta go now. Need to help a friend fix the apartment she just bought. Since she is a good friend I will not give her money but the gift will be a brand new blender that I bought for me 6 months ago and never used and a bottle of Italian balsamic vinegar. She knew what I was gonna get her and she asked “Will you do a nice gift package?- “No babe, I love you deeply but that ain’t happening anymore” I replied.

Someone kick me please

Things I hate:

The majority of people who work at my job
My new office
Wearing a suit
Staff meetings
Thinking outside the box
The hypocrisy of a system where victories are privatized and losses are socialized
Being held while I want to go

In order to break with the Miserable at Work theme I’ve got going here, I also would like to add that I hate my new haircut, for which I blame MT.
Mercedes used to cut my hair and we had a good thing going until she left for Madrid, where people apparently have better hair. Now I am stuck with MT and things are grim.

Anyway, on the positive side I can say I am alive and in good health. I have both my kidneys and legs and the running is going well.

More posts will follow unless I decide to embrace a monastic life …after I give the finger to a few people around here.

La ragazza dalla doppia vita (il momento basso)

Sono tornata. Rientrata a NY dopo una piccola parentesi, un breve tuffo nella mia vecchia realtà, in una vita che ormai non vivo più da tempo. Penso, mi osservo dall’esterno e ancora mi dico… quanto sono cambiate le cose, e senza nemmeno accorgermene.

E’ stato davvero bello rivedere tutta la famiglia.. quella allargata come si usa dire … dopo tanti anni, di nuovo tutti insieme… bello davvero. Tutti cresciuti, tutti diversi, ognuno con la sua vita, ognuno la sua strada ma bello essere di nuovo insieme. Loro sempre intorno a me… … sempre pronti a proteggermi, a dimostrarmi il loro affetto, la loro stima, il loro rispetto. Un po’ strano… io al di fuori… ho sentito il distacco, la mancanza… i miei timori non erano vani… quanto già mi sono persa di tutti loro?! Quanto si sono loro stessi persi di me?

Incredibile pensare che alcuni momenti piu importanti della mia vita non le abbia mai condivise con loro.

Sento ancora quella nostalgia dell’infanzia, dell’innocenza, dell’essere spensierata, dell’attesa dell’ indipendenza. E ora… rieccomi qui, nel mio ufficio, nella mia vita… nel mio lavoro, sempre tanto da fare, anzi talmente tanto che come al solito non si sa da che parte iniziare… Le aspettative sul futuro… bello non programmare ed essere libera di fare tutto quello che voglio… ma a volte tremano le gambe… mi spaventa l’immensità di questa parola…

Scesa dall’aereo dopo mille ore di viaggio… mi sentivo triste, contenta ed emozionata. Che bello tornare a “casa”… e placare la nostalgia di New-York di tutto quello che ho fatto e costruito qua, di quello che sono io qua.

“Ricordati che la tua casa e qui” mi ha detto mia madre portandomi all’areoporto. Mi sono rattristata, perche so come le pesi il fatto che io chiami casa un altro posto.

Comunque sono tornata e cerco adesso di ritrovare il mio equilibrio e il forte stimolo… quello che fino ad oggi mi ha dato la carica per andare, per costruire, per conoscere.

For Candie on her b-day

Dearest friend,

Though I am thousands kms away, I am thinking of you as you celebrate your birthday.

This year I wish for you...

.....peace and tranquillity

...earthly delights beyond imagination




...the adoration of friends





...and the love of a good man.

Love,
K.

Inevitable thorn

I have been silent and I just want to get the word out that - no, I have not been abducted by aliens. It is not even that I am too busy sun-tanning on the beach. I am busy catching up...with family, friends, latest hits,cultural events and former lovers of disastrous endings. I am on the precipice of a surreal adventure, which I know might be filled with days both eventful and not, but for all of which I am trying to be lucid and bright-eyed and keen.

I have been trying to keep my sh*t together but it has has been impossible for me to proceed without wondering where all this is gonna get me. It's hard to think I will have go back and leave all this behind me..my life in NY it is so far...what the hell was I doing before coming here??? Anyway, it's a great time of life, and if I avoid being the usual me, I can actually taste it.


I hope ya'll having a good month.

Movie night

So this week end we all went to the see Sex and the City along with scores of other women all dolled up and wearing impractical shoes and it was quite an anthropological experience.

I am not sure what I was expecting. I remember watching SATC on a winter night for the first time some 9 years ago. At the time I did not know NY and did not know anything about people’s lifestyle in the big apple, hence I did not understand the show. I did not understand people’s behavior, the issues they confronted seemed to be absurd not to mention they way they dressed.

Three years after that night I landed in the Big Apple and started watching the re-runs on TBS together with my friend S. one of the few real New-Yorkers. I remember asking her: "Is that what it’s like out there? Because this is so grim- I’m not growing up. Or going out. Ever."

And then we went out and we grew up. And we realized that yes, there are men who will ask to lick your face in a bar. There is someone out there who will try to slide his hand under your T-shirt on a train or try pick- you up while their gay partner is not watching.

Anyway, over the years I came to understand SATC and I came to understand why the show has had an impact on the way people view New York and the way twenty something women view themselves. Over the years I have come across people like the characters of SATC.

Going back to what I was expecting. I don’t know if I can say that I liked the film. I was engaged and drawn to t. But I couldn’t help but find several elements distasteful. The obsession with labels and the acquisition of expensive things seemed over the top.

I find Carrie supremely irritating and, as a woman, I actually despise her for allowing herself to be treated like crap for 10 years…10 years …by Big??? A big asshole but am not gonna go down the road of a post on self-respect now.

Mr. Big, is boring. NO allure at all. What seems to attract Carrie to Big in the film is his willingness to buy her a Fifth Avenue penthouse and the closet of her dreams (oh wait maybe his allure could be money how could I have been so stupid!).

Charlotte’s comments on Mexican food were inappropriate, considering the cockroaches and bed bugs invasion we have on Manhattan these days (this include restaurants in the 10021 area code bitch!).

Miranda is stiff as usual, treating her Russian nanny like crap and constantly reminding her husband how important she is and what piece of crap he is.

Samantha is the only good one. Finally a woman who loves herself more and first....and is honest about that. Also, she is the only one who has made a real effort.

This being said, what was really worth the $11 was being part of a SATC-like audience of women. As soon as we took our seats, spontaneous applause started…we sang happy birthday to two random people in the theater. There was a feeling joyful celebration.

It was a very night NY night in the end. We ended up eating some Gray’s papaya hot dogs in the Upper East side before heading off to drink Sangria in Spanish Harlem where the Puerto Rican community was getting ready and steady for next’s day parade.

All right. Carry on New-York, despite the cockroaches, the rats and the bedbugs I have grown to love you.

Day two

It’s Day 2 of The Rest of My Life and I am pleased to report that I have not:
1. Consumed any junk food.

2. Harmed anyone (or myself), despite being in a very bad mood due to low blood sugar level.

I feel I should also report that despite depriving myself of all that is good and holy in this world I did not run any faster….so I have started thinking that this deprivation is useless. Maybe it would be helpful if I had a stern, Russian trainer, forcing me do squat and pumps while my Thai chef prepared delicious, healthy meals. But then I would be Jennifer Lopez and not the author of this blog who at 838 pm is in the office while the rest of NY City is out there to watch Sex and the City...wankers!!!

Say goodbye to Ms. Candylicious

Enough.

Really.

You are even too old for this…

This has to stop.

And it will stop right now!

This is what I’ve been saying to myself to overcome the junk food addiction.
I have a problem with junk food …not all junk food…. a particular type of it. I have a weakness for candies (marshmallows, jelly beans, water mellow strings, crystallized ginger, dum dum suckers, cinnamon hot tamales). I like too much of everything that is artificially flavored, nutrient deprived and that make my glucose skyrocket.

These are not the habits of a person devoted to healthy life style like now I am. These are not the habits of a thin person either. Thin people know what are the things they should not eat and …they don’t eat them… and …they look all cute in their little outfits.

These people are my enemies. When I am thin enough to unleash my jaw, I’ll call jihad on their skinny asses and bypass them on the running tracks.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Unfortunately, the rest of my life is looking pretty bleak because it involves apples, fig bars, and serious commitment to healthy life. Nevertheless, I am going to stick with the rest of my life for at least one month.

It has to stop, and it will stop today ....right now. (After this peppermint patty.)

And when I am done, I am going to rock this look:

Fantasy land

This is where la Dama Errante goes when people are really annoying her.



It is called fantasy land- A (happy) place in her head where she can do anything she wants in total impunity. Today she is retaliating against some annoying people by raising chemical warfare with a pepper-spray, her favorite pair of shoes and her new enamel bangles. This only makes her feel better for about seven minutes, at which point she searches for candy.


Pic: Self portrait of the artist by http://www.ratemydrawings.com/

Go figure

Today my mother, yet again, asked me if I had met anyone. Afterwards, yet again, asked me if I am a lesbian. We have this type of conversation once in a while. Here it goes, for you enjoyment.

She: "Have you met anybody interesting recently"

Me: “I meet interesting people every day" (knowing where she was heading...)

She: "Any suitor?"

Me:” You know I don’t like you asking these questions"

She: "What's wrong with asking this?

Me: "I just don’t like it-so please stop it-end of the story"

She: "Why you don’t like to be asked? Are you a lesbian?"

Me:" I am going back to my work now, famine in the third world is a more titillating subject that this conversation"

She then passed the phone to my father and we were done.

Now the point I want to make is: I am not lesbian.I found very amusing that she, and other alike people, have to ask this question (and they do ask...amazingly enough!!!) because they need to figure out what sort of cookie you are.

Somebody said once that is not question that is embarassing but the answer. I must confess I take pleasure in giving embarassing answers, particularly to stiff people. However, could not do that to my mom.

Anyway, with this funny conversation and the absence of my boss from the office I had a good start of the week.

Have a great week guys, hope you like the pic.

Did I miss anything?

Few days ago I got this email.

Dear F.

Unfortunately I didn't make it to the induction today. Did I miss anything?
Love,
Kirsten

My response:

Dear Kirsten,

First of all, I want you to know I love you too. I always have and I am relieved to know you feel the same way.

As for induction, you missed a keg party and a strip poker. Then you missed a spirited, joyous gang bang with a band of convicts escaped from cell block E of the local penitentiary. (The federal one, so you know they were quality, indeed).

You also missed important instructions on key documents to read, standard operating procedures and templates in order not to fail on your job, you dumb ass, but I'm sure you'll get by. How you'll get over missing the drunken card game and the gang bang, I don't know.

But I am here for you.

Love always,
F. (bitchy induction Focal Point)

Sins of the week

• Eating too many crystallized ginger candies and getting sick.
• Flirting with the IT guy to speed up complete fulfillment of the tech requirements of my office.
• Overuse of the words “bitch” and excessive moaning.

I then decided to fix this awful week my own way…Today, I got up and ate breakfast and I was late in the office. I seriously did. How did I accomplish this?

1) Yesterday, during a lunch break, I run to the grocery store. This morning, when I woke up at 7:30 I went back to sleep to wake up again half hour later and do my coffee. Oh my God.

2) Then I ate plain non-fat yogurt with honey and almonds, strawberries and cantaloupe and a croissant and indulged in listening some music.

I think this is what they call being a normal human being who puts needs of self before needs of a miscreant boss who can't be bothered about being a bitch for no reasons.

Of course, the forty-five minutes that I took to do something for myself this morning have resulted in a day chock full of sneering but I do not regret my choice. Enough with being politically correct….. bitch!!!

Normal post up soon. Unless I choose to neglect my duties, including my blog, by continuing my selfish trend of eating breakfast. Who knows?

Somewhere in the Dominican Republic

The surprise of:

Crystalline sunlight and white sand
Stunning butterflies and a riot of bougainvillea
Gorgeous thunderheads

The delight of:

Packing light and still not needing 99% of what I packed
Naps under a palm tree
Long walk on the beach the promise of fresh mango slices
A quickly established routine

The blessing of:

Towns without shopping, without nightlife, without people
4 days with no cell phone and crackberry
Wild hair, no make-up and an Indian sarong
Early bedtime

The nuisance of:

Forgetting my camera
Arriving without our bags
Presence of Italian tourists
Realizing that people are slowly moving away from me

Color Magic

While roaming the shelves of a toy shop looking for a gift for a friend’s baby, I made a discover that, I believe, testifies to the downfall of civilization:

Crayola Colors: 1903
Black
Brown
Orange
Violet
Blue
Green
Red
Yellow

Crayola Colors: 2008
Awesome
Best Friends
Bear Hug
Happy Ever After
Super Happy
Fun in the Sun
Famous

AWESOME?! That was the best name people could come up with for "Orange"? I am not even going to comment on Super Happy, Best Friends and Famous as they are too unspeakable. Some people say that color is better than Prozac…...whoever chose these names must have been on Prozac.

If I were to chose the names for next season’s colors I would suggest:

Paris pink
Colombian slopes (white)
NYPD (blue)
Red necks'revenge
War against terror (black)

How’s that as color extravaganza?

Such is life

When good things happen unexpectedly, like a postcard from a friend you haven’t spoken in a long time, a gift that someone bought thinking of you for you when traveling in a far away place or sudden appearance of my preferite candie on the office’s desk, I can only assume it is because God saw some of my good deeds like giving up my seat on the subway to an heavily pregnant woman or doing charity. Such noble gestures indeed deserve a reward and the reward must humbly accepted and possibly eaten straight away….
But it’s not all candies and good surprises all the time. There are times when God sees me doing something unsavory or reads my ill-spirited mind and sends down a scourge to torment me.
Earlier this year I was beset by a fractured foot. I had an incident while traveling in a third-world country where health care is simply non existent….. Upon return from my travel, while dreaming of tranquility and repose, an unexplainable bug infestation of biblical memory forced me out of my apartment and condemned me to live a displaced life at the mercy of pious friends and colleagues. A few days later, on a rainy and hectic my wallet with all my documents and my life in it was inadvertently abandoned on a NY city cab.
In short, life can be very difficult sometime….Why I wonder? ….Why me ???….why now??? ….why all at the same time?

The List of Possible Causes

Gluttony (Gula) Eating too many of God’s candies and getting sick because of that. Is this punishment for being rewarded? Questionable..

Greed (Avaritia) make your friends walk 10 blocks to go and return the nine dollar book you find boring.

Lust (Luxuria) Is a friendship that borders on unconsummated romance a sin?? That is rather the plot of a movie.

Sloth (Acedia) Not keeping up with the running schedule like I said I would. Doing every possible to avoid it, including cleaning places that don’t need to be cleaned and re-arranging all closets.

Wrath (Ira) Since when leaving hungry messages on a voice mail is a sin after you have been trying to put a black cloud on me because you think we should all share your bitter life?

Envy (Invidia) Keira Kniegtley, lovely, talented, cute British accent. I want to you cut you in pieces.

Pride (Superbia) Refused Fauxhawk’s invitation for the week end with the pretext I was too busy as it would have exposed my fear of heights. Vain, yes - but also noble, as am saving hundreds from PTSD and save everybody’s time.

Shouldn’t I get a candie for that?

You go girl!

OK this is my new schedule. If I don't post again in the next weeks it means I have died of hearth-attack at the Jacqueline Kennedy Reservoir. Good luck to me!

Week Tuesday Thursday Sat/Sun
1 1–1.5 miles 1–1.5 miles easy 1–1.5 miles easy
2 Repeat week 1 Repeat week 1 Repeat week 1
3 1.5 miles mod 1.5 miles mod 1.5 miles easy
4 Repeat week 3 Repeat week 3 Repeat week 3
5 1.5–2 miles mod 1.5–2 miles mod on hills 1.5–2 miles easy
6 2 miles mod 2 miles hard 2 miles easy
7 2.5 miles mod 2.5 miles mod on hills 2.5 miles mod
8 2.5 miles mod 2.5 miles hard 3 miles easy
9 Repeat week 8 Repeat week 8 Repeat week 8
10 3 miles mod 3 miles mod on hills 3.5 miles mod
11 3.5 miles mod 2.5 miles hard 4 miles mod
12 3 miles mod 2 miles easy Race

13 EASY RACE

Image from: www.nyc-architecture.com/CP/CP.htm

Uncertainty

I am crippled by the competing forces of blind optimism and pessimistic realism. I am drawn to - and repelled by – the idea of uncertainty about something. However, I must be mindful that often the allure of comfort and security unnerves me and a jump in the unknown has, in so far, been a good choice.

Cover by Kalman'sbook, The Principals of Uncertainty

Someone get that girl a drink!

So as not to feel the terrible burden of Time that breaks your shoulders and bends you toward the earth, you must get drunk without respite.But get drunk on what? On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as you like. But get drunk.– Charles Baudelaire

Things to get drunk on:

1 a good laugh
2 friends
3 caixhinas de Caranguejos
4 weekends in Brooklyn
5 travels

These days I get a lot of 1,2,4,5 but I am nostalgicand wistful for # 3. Somenthing that I called home for a short-time and left without turning back. What are you wistful for?

Art and mood

I’ve been feeling a bit off lately. Off-balance, disconnected, disengaged. Every day is a race or a fight. I am a person who needs a certain amount of doing nothing. I need quietude and languor of body and soul. Lately, there has been no time for anything but what absolutely must get done. It leaves me exhausted.

Here I am tired, physically and mentally…dreaming of nothing and doing nothing, and it is divine. When choosing the template for my blog I came across the above picture and it mesmerized me. That woman (her name is Leila and she was painted by Sir Frank Dicksee in 1892) depicted how I felt.

So in the end, the choice of a template was quite linear with the mood of the moment. Do you do the same?

About me

I am someone who likes to go hang out with a small circle of very good friends and when I am with them I act badly and generally paint the town blood red.

My work kicks my butt everyday so when I get home I'm a master at relaxation. I get nervous when there is no milk and coffee in the house- I have no qualms admitting that I read trashy magazines. If I could be anywhere at the moment it would be in Brasil discovering the amazon and enjoying its beach or in Sudan taking picture of the ancient Nubian pyramids and its beautiful people or in a coastal town of the Mediterranean listening to the elderly family story on how life was back then.

I like people who are not judgmental, racist, homophobic or zealots; I like people who are polite drivers and nice to restaurant/service staff; I like people who are aware of, and sensitive to, their greater surroundings... and those who have been at the frontline of humanity at its worst.I do not like the self-absorbed and the uncurious; I especially dislike those who carry an inflated sense of entitlement (even though they haven't toiled a lick) - I like people that can teach me stuff I don't know; I can quickly bond with people that love horror movies and loathe the idea of sitting through a romantic comedy.I like people who go on road trips in a car, on a train, on a boat, on a camel...but always with good snacks.

My look of the moment is that of a rebel bureaucrat. I have most the rebellious hair. It can quickly turn into dreadlocks if not contained.

These days, I prefer to fly out of Newark.

Unexpected inspiration

I dont't know what possessed me today when the last book was finished, the last email was sent and my call went unanswered. That triggered the unhealthy fascination to go and grab a piece of world wide web. Probably, the only thing I can own these days beyond the few carton boxes I obsess to pack my life in. Whether this adventure is here to stay or not only time will tell. For now I am here to share the same passion with you.

Photographs of art installation by Martin Firrell at The Royal Opera House Covent Garden, London